Overcoming Shame: Steps to Heal and Thrive
Thriving Beyond Shame
Shame is a powerful emotion that can affect every aspect of our lives, often without us even realizing it. It can feel like a heavy burden, one that we carry silently, believing we are the problem rather than something we’ve done. Breaking the chains of shame is essential to thriving, and in this episode, we dive deep into understanding shame, its triggers, and, most importantly, how we can overcome it and move from simply surviving to thriving.
Defining Shame and How It Differs from Guilt
Shame and guilt are often confused, but they are distinctly different emotions. Guilt arises when we feel we’ve done something wrong—it's external and linked to our actions. Shame, on the other hand, goes deeper. It’s internalized and makes us believe that we are wrong or unworthy. As Elly explains in our podcast, "Guilt says, 'I did something wrong,' but shame says, 'I am wrong.'"
Shame can become ingrained, like a chain that binds, leading us to believe that nothing can cleanse us from this perceived ‘badness.’ This deeply internalized belief is what makes shame so challenging to overcome.
Common Sources and Triggers of Shame
Shame often has its roots in childhood, especially in experiences of neglect, trauma, or consistent criticism. As children, we have little control over our environment, and to make sense of it, we might internalize the belief that we are the problem. “If I were better, my parents would love me,” is a common thought pattern that can persist into adulthood.
Triggers of shame can also appear in our everyday lives, especially when we’re emotionally overwhelmed. Whether it’s failing an exam, feeling neglected in relationships, or comparing ourselves to others, these moments can reignite that deep-seated belief that we are inherently flawed or unworthy.
Personal Stories of Overcoming Shame
Many people have walked the path of overcoming shame, and their stories offer hope and guidance. One such story shared during our podcast involves a person who realized how shame was driving their self-destructive behaviors. By acknowledging and confronting these shame-based thoughts, they were able to break free from the shame cycle and start living a life rooted in self-worth and empowerment.
These stories remind us that overcoming shame is possible, and it begins with recognizing and challenging those internalized beliefs that keep us trapped.
Identifying and Challenging Shame-Based Thoughts
The first step in overcoming shame is to begin noticing these thoughts as they arise. Awareness is key. Once we recognize these thoughts, we can start to challenge them. Are they true, or are they based on past experiences that no longer define who we are?
As Elly shares, combining the rational mind with the emotional mind—what's referred to as the "wise mind" in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)—can help us make decisions that are not driven solely by emotion. This balance allows us to process our feelings without letting them control our actions.
The Shame Quiz
Uncover the profound effects of shame on your well-being and take the first steps towards embarking on a path of healing and self-discovery.
Practical Steps to Heal and Thrive
Overcoming shame isn't just about identifying it; it's about taking actionable steps to heal. This might involve therapy, journaling, or even meditating on scripture. Elly emphasizes the importance of finding what works for you in your healing journey, whether it’s leaning on your faith, practicing self-care, or using therapeutic tools.
One effective approach is to surround yourself with supportive relationships that can help you stay grounded. As Isa mentions, having a “battle buddy” like a spouse or close friend who understands your triggers and can help you manage your emotions can be incredibly beneficial.
