Shame Defined
"Every leaf speaks bliss to me, fluttering from the autumn tree." - Emily Brontë
Shame Defined
Experiences of trauma leave many victims with feelings of shame, a voice in their head telling them they are unworthy, disgusting, terrible, or irredeemable. Shame thrives on secrecy and will do anything it can to stop its story from being shared. Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines shame as “a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety; a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute; or something that brings censure or reproach.”
Shame and guilt are related, self-conscious emotions, often associated with real or perceived moral failures. Guilt is a feeling you get when you did something wrong or perceived you did something wrong, conflicting with your conscience. Shame is a feeling that your whole self is wrong, and it may not be related to a specific behavior or event. Therefore guilt is focused on the behavior or deed and shame is focused on the person.
When you feel guilty about the wrong thing you did, you can take steps to make up for it and put it behind you. But feeling shame, or being convinced that you are the “thing” that's wrong, offers no clear-cut way to "come back" to feeling more positive about yourself. Shame can leave you feeling defective, unacceptable, and even damaged beyond repair.
Researcher, Brené Brown, has done pioneering work in the area of shame. In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, she talks about how shame tries to taunt us with “You’re not good enough” and “Who do you think you are?” While guilt says, “I did something bad”, shame says, “I am bad”.
Signs of Shame
Feeling sensitive
Feeling unappreciated
Feeling used or rejected
Being worried about what others think about you
Worrying that you aren’t treated with respect
Feeling like others take advantage of you
Wanting to have the last word
Not sharing your thoughts or feelings because you are afraid to be embarrassed
Being afraid to look inappropriate or stupid
Being more worried about failure than doing something immoral
Being a perfectionist
Feeling like an outsider or that you are different or left out
Feeling suspicious or like you can’t trust others
Being a wallflower or shrinking violet
Wanting to shut people out or withdraw
Feeling that you can’t be your true self
Trying to hide or be inconspicuous
Losing your identity
Feeling inadequate
Feeling dishonorable
Causes of Shame
When there is a history of childhood trauma, neglect, not being able to live up to overly high standards (set by self or others), being bullied, or being rejected by others, shame is often one of the many consequences. While feelings of shame are normal and natural, when it is excessive and last for extended periods, it becomes problematic.
Negative impacts of shame include:
Feeling like you are flawed
Social withdrawal
Addictions/addictive behaviors
Defensiveness and shaming others
Bullying others
Inflate your ego to hide the belief that you don’t have value (narcissistic personality)
Physical health problems
Depression and sadness
Feeling empty, lonely, or worn out
Lowered self-esteem
Inability to trust other people
Feeling as though you are being judged
Perfectionism or overachievement
People pleasing
Avoid talking for fear of saying the wrong thing
Compulsive or excessive behaviors.
Excessive shame often leads to risky behaviors as coping skills to guard against being hurt and to make oneself feel better. While the risky behaviors are unhealthy, it is often the only way a person is able to “prove” to him/herself that they deserve to feel better. In this vicious shame cycle, you feel shame, engage in risky behaviors, and have more feelings of shame. Feelings of shame can be linked to traumatic experiences in our life. In our blog, “Trauma and Shame,” we explore some of the causes.
References:
Breggin P. Guilt, Shame, and Anxiety: Understanding and Overcoming Negative Emotions. New York: Prometheus; 2014.
