Shame and Trauma
Shame and Trauma: Are they linked?
Experiences of trauma leave many victims with feelings of shame, a voice in their head telling them they are unworthy, disgusting, terrible, or irredeemable. This is especially true with Complex Trauma (i.e., childhood abuse or neglect, domestic violence, sexual abuse, etc.) that is often personal in nature. The victim often believes that they are bad and that is why “the bad thing” happened to them. These feelings are not just things that one can “get over” quickly.
Shame thrives on secrecy and will do anything it can to stop its story from being shared. Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines shame as “a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety; a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute; or something that brings censure or reproach.”
There are many theories or reasons why trauma and shame may be linked. Let’s consider a few of them and, as we consider them, challenge ourselves to see any personal shame for what it is and allow ourselves to begin the healing process. You do not have to continue to beat yourself up.
Faith in a Just Society
Many people have a basic desire to think that the universe is righteous and fair. Accordingly, they believe, horrible things only occur when someone either deserves them or is directly responsible for them. One of the first reactions most people have to tragic news is to place the blame on the victim.
This need to blame the victim often translates to people placing the blame on themselves when a tragedy happens, “If only I didn’t walk home alone.” Or “If I would have been there, I could have stopped … (fill in the blank).” When the victim is a child, it may be easy to see how they start to believe those bad things happen because they are bad.
Attachment to a Caregiver
Complex trauma often involves chronic experiences of abuse (emotional, physical, or sexual) or neglect. Often the culprit or abuser is a caregiver and can be anyone from a parent to a teacher, or even a boss, in essence, someone in the role of an authority figure. In order to survive, we tend to develop attachments to our caregivers. When our abuser is a caregiver, we may develop a sense of “then I must be bad” in order to continue to see that caregiver in a good light. For a child or someone with attachment issues, it may feel like their very survival depends on seeing themselves as the “bad one” and the abuser as the “good one.”
Desire for Control
Feelings of helplessness can be intolerable and they can lead one to feel shame instead. It creates the narrative that since you are the bad thing, you can then be better and prevent bad things in the future. It allows for an illusion of empowerment. The truth is, these feelings do not protect you or give you control over anything. But what they do leads to deep depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress symptoms. In fact, shame is a direct predictor of the diagnosis of PTSD and the severity of emotional distress.
The best antidote to trauma-based shame and self-loathing is compassion. This can be really hard when you're busy hating yourself, or when you're afraid of “being bad.” It can seem overwhelming and scary to let go of the specific stories and identities of years (or decades) that convinced you that this was the only way to keep yourself safe.
A mental health professional can help you overcome these feelings of shame and learn to find compassion for yourself. Just because something bad happened doesn't mean you are bad. You deserve compassion and a fulfilling life.
