The Shame Cycle
The Shame Cycle
Many people seek out counseling services when they have a history of anxiety, depression, or PTSD. Often these diagnoses are rooted in childhood events or pervasive abuses such as domestic violence, physical, sexual, and verbal/emotional abuse. Sometimes, these abuses last for decades. Abuse takes many forms and can include something as “minor” as neglect. For example, neglect of a child may cause them to grow up feeling like people can’t be trusted and that they have to do everything themselves. This can lead to issues with emotion regulation. Such as lashing out at friends or family for the slightest thing or withdrawing from others for fear of being hurt or feeling insignificant and rejected.
Common Reasons People Seek Counseling
1. Unhealthy relationship patterns (i.e. “looking for love in all the wrong places”) - For example:
a. Being attracted to people similar to the ones who previously abused you.
b. Finding yourself in relationships with people who take advantage of you or treat you poorly many times because that is what you think you deserve.
c. Jumping in and out of relationships because you are afraid of being hurt, of commitment, of trusting others, or of being vulnerable with others.
2. Overreacting to normal life stressors – struggling to control their emotions.
3. Jumping to the worst-case scenario when things don’t go as you expected. - For example:
a. Your spouse comes home late and you begin to wonder if they’re cheating on you, or maybe they’ve gotten into a terrible car accident.
4. Desperately need to control people, places, and things. This often leaves you feeling pressured & stressed. Almost like you have to do EVERYTHING. Looks like:
a. Overcommitting, perfectionism, pushing people away, or people pleasing
If you identify with any of these circumstances, you’re likely struggling with feelings of shame.
Shame
As we learned in the blog, “Shame Defined,” shame is often confused with guilt. While it is a related emotion there are differences.
Guilt is a feeling you get when you did something wrong or perceived you did something wrong.
Shame is a feeling that your whole self is wrong, and it may not be related to a specific behavior or event.
When you feel guilty about the wrong thing you did, you can take steps to make up for it and put it behind you. But feeling shame, or being convinced that you are the thing that's wrong, offers no clear-cut way to "come back" to feeling more positive about yourself. Shame can leave you feeling defective, unacceptable, and even damaged beyond repair.
Shame is a powerful and debilitating emotion that can wreak havoc on your life. There is hope, though. Shame is a state of being that doesn’t have to be permanent. Shame often takes the form of an identifiable cycle – once you understand that cycle, you can skillfully shift out of it and begin to develop healthier coping mechanisms.
The Shame Cycle Explained
The cycle of shame is like a hamster wheel,
First - you make a mistake or engage in destructive behavior (i.e. you yell at your child harshly, overreact to bad news, go “off” (lose your temper) with your coworker/spouse/child for no reason)
Then, you feel deep guilt that turns to feelings of shame and you proceed to say verbally abusive things to yourself (i.e. “I’m so stupid” “No one could ever love me”)
You continue to dwell on the mistake and feel too depressed to make amends or correct your mistake (i.e. you play the incident/behavior over and over in your head like a skipping record player)
Then, you decide to cheer yourself up by engaging in risky or destructive behaviors to self-soothe and forget about how bad you feel (i.e. drinking too much, overeating, shopping spree)
Finally, things even out, and eventually, you find yourself getting triggered and making another “mistake” and the cycle of shame starts all over again
Normalizing the shame cycle
Feeling shame is a natural and common everyday occurrence that begins as early as infancy. It happens naturally when a baby seeks approval from his/her caregiver. If the caregiver is unresponsive, the baby may start feeling worthless or shameful. A child gets praise for all the things they do well and criticism for things he/she doesn’t do quite so well. The child may start to feel shameful or worthless. These feelings may be temporary or more rooted depending on the level of secure attachment in early childhood.
Shame often has its roots in childhood. Because children can’t separate their feelings from their self-image, when they experience bad feelings and their parents invalidated their emotions, they come to the conclusion that they themselves are bad. When there is a history of childhood trauma from abuses or neglect, or even things like not being able to live up to overly high standards (set by self or others), being bullied, or being rejected by others, shame may become extreme and problematic, leading to the types of behaviors we see in the shame cycle.
Why do some people resort to feeling shame and going down the shame cycle? In short, they are trying to protect themselves. Consider the following:
When someone has a broken leg, it is normal to be guarded to prevent others from accidentally bumping that leg. If we have never had a broken limb, it would be abnormal to try to guard a limb against being injured.
Just like in the above example, if someone has had a ‘hurt’ at some point in their life, it is normal to try to guard themselves against being hurt again. This guarding behavior may look very much like a shame cycle. The risky behaviors are often unhealthy coping skills to guard against being hurt and to make oneself feel better.
There is hope and a better way. Practice self-compassion, tell a friend, and find a counselor who will work with you to help you “tame” your shame cycle. For more information or to learn how to overcome shame see our blog on “Overcoming Shame” or contact our office for a free 15-minute consultation.
