Overcoming Shame
Overcoming Shame
Shame can be a very debilitating emotion. It can lead to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and on and on. As we have identified in the first three parts of this four-part shame series, feelings of shame can start as early as infancy and be triggered by a multitude of events. Brene Brown, a famous shame researcher, often says that the three things that shame needs to grow exponentially in our lives are secrecy, silence, and judgment. When one starts down the shame cycle, shame can quickly become toxic to the individual and those closest to that individual. Like many things in life, the way we act when we are dealing with feelings of shame, rarely just affects us. So what do we do? How do we stop the cycle?
Six Steps to Overcoming Shame
Acknowledge the problem
We can’t fix what we cannot see. If you do not acknowledge that the shame in your life has become toxic, you are unlikely to be able to change anything. Just like the frog that is in lukewarm water, as the heat rises, so do the chances of catastrophic outcomes.
Tell someone that you trust
Feelings of shame are easier to drive out if you share them with someone you trust and that person is able to empathize with you.
Identify the root
Try to better understand where your feelings of shame are coming from. Has anyone in your life ever told you that you weren't good enough? Do you tend to think "I'm an idiot" or ask yourself excessive questions ("Why did I do that?")?
Get familiar with the signs
When you feel the first pangs of shame, try to understand what’s going on before you get caught in this painful cycle of shame and negative self-talk. Examine the negative physical and emotional effects shame has on you. For example, where on your body do you feel shame? What kind of emotional reaction do you have?
Are you very critical of others? Shame-prone people often find their mistakes reflected in their environment. As you tune into your inner dialogue and expand your ability to reflect, you will be able to respond more constructively to feelings of shame.Learn to forgive yourself
Learn to separate what you do from who you are. If you realize that your whole identity isn’t on the line when something you do doesn’t work out, you’ll be much freer to take risks. Even when your inner critic comes to the fore, you can keep your point of view. Ultimately, self-doubt shows up as a warning sign that it's time to reframe the situation.
Forgiveness also means developing self-compassion and accepting yourself for who you are, rather than struggling to meet other people's expectations (real or imagined). Treat yourself with the same respect that you would treat someone you really care about.
Seek professional help
As mentioned earlier, overcoming shame means acknowledging it and sharing your feelings with someone you trust. This requires a level of vulnerability that can cause considerable fear. If the hurt is deep, it's a good idea to seek help from a coach or mental health professional. Support professionals are very effective in guiding such reflective journeys.
When I work with a client, I want to learn about their triggers and what their specific shame cycle looks like. As we work together to develop an understanding of what your patterns are and what you are protecting yourself from, I will be right there with you. I will not come from a place of judgment or condemnation. I want to help you understand what went wrong and how you can move forward from here.
It is human to feel shame. Almost everyone feels shame at some point in their life. Still, it's an emotion that most of us don't like to talk about. However, toxic shame draws its power from secrecy, so you can't get rid of it in the shadows. In order to live our most authentic life, we must recognize that we are fully deserving of love and acceptance.
